Whenever a couple wants to add to the family through the process of adoption, there are a hundred and one unanswered questions in their minds that may make them procrastinate or postpone the decision, losing out on their best years of youth when they could enjoy parenting to its fullest. And the irony is that most of the doubts, apprehensions and anxieties are actually unfounded.

Let us tackle some of the most frequently asked questions and doubts that any prospective adoptive couple may have:

How will be child be, look, behave ?
When you see the baby for the first time, you may either fall in love with her, or you may have gnawing doubts whether this is the right one for you. I can reassure you that these thoughts will disappear very fast. In fact, within days the baby becomes part of the parents …. and some even start looking like their adoptive parents! Unless you have taken a child who is obviously different in looks compared to you, the merging is a smooth and swift affair.

With adoption you have at least SOME choice in selecting a child. In biological conception, you don’t. If you think that your extended family or in-laws will not accept the baby, don’t be surprised if they dote so much over the baby that you get fed up. If you think society will look down upon you, you are mistaken. If you think your child will have “bad” traits due to unknown parentage, you are absolutely wrong. If you fear that your child will grow up and demand to go back to her biological parents, it is more likely that she will throw tantrums asking for a mobile phone.


What about the child’s background ?
There are fears whether the baby was born to a prostitute or an unwed mother with “loose” morals. And ……will the child also develop such characteristics? Again, these are completely unfounded fears. The child will become what you inculcate in her and based on the upbringing you give her. Similarly if you have fears of genetic illnesses or deficiencies, remember that the same could have been there in your biological child. Other than a marginally higher incidence of dyslexia and learning difficulties, adoptive children have not shown any other problematic features or developmental disabilities.


Will we be able to adjust ?
All anxieties and doubts get cleared up the moment you bring your child home. Most of the adjustment problems take place in the mind. The baby is more than willing to adjust and accept the new parents (unless of course you are adopting an older child, when you will have to put in effort to ensure adjustment). The process is simpler than you think, and the baby settles down quite fast. It is just that you have to be clear in your mind, positive towards the concept of adoption, and confident that it will enrich your life.


Will our extended family accept the child ?
You may have an in-law or a grandparent who is quite opposed to the concept of adoption. You may be scared that this elder person, who you respect and do not wish to offend, may refuse to accept your child – and this could cause a rift in the family. In reality, majority of such elders have actually fallen in love with the baby once she comes home and becomes part of you. That is the magic that all human babies have!


Will she be teased and ridiculed ?
No child is teased by other children because she is adopted. It is far more thrilling for kids to tease each other for their “four eyes”, their hairstyle, or their mannerisms. If there is one-odd classmate of your child who (influenced by some insensitive elders) does keep needling her on her being adopted, just tell her to ignore him, and he will lose his enthusiasm very fast. Yes, there are some adult busybodies who do question and comment on the fact that the child is adopted. But all it requires is your being a little assertive and firm, and telling the person off. In today’s society adoption has become a highly accepted process, and you may have many friends appreciating you, and maybe even getting inspired by you to themselves adopt a baby.


Will I really be able to accept her as “my” child ?
Ask this question to parents who have a biological and an adopted child. Very often they have forgotten which is which! Since adoption is only a means of getting the baby into the family, most parents are not even consciously aware or concerned about the fact that “your” child was not born to you. If there are days when you feel very angry and frustrated with your child, remember that many biological parents also have days when they wish “why did I even give birth to this horrible kid?” These are just passing thoughts, and you should never take them seriously, or feel guilty about them.


Will she question me about her parentage ?
Quite likely, she will. At some age, your child will probably ask you who her “real” mother is. It is question like any other question a growing child asks. All you need to do is not to panic, just answer the question truthfully (which in most cases obviously will be “I don’t know”). Even in the unlikely event that she wants to go back to the adoption agency and trace her roots or locate her mother, don’t stop her. The enthusiasm will die down soon, particularly if you are not acting as a barrier.


Will she run away because she does not “belong” to me ?
If your fear is that your adopted child will grow up and run away from you because she does not “belong” to you, please ask my elder daughter who just celebrated her twenty first birthday …. and I am hoping and asking her WHEN she will actually leave the house and go to make her future. She has no such intentions, and is smugly sitting as part of the family!


And now, we come to the question that you may most conveniently be tempted to ask:

Isn’t it better to wait for some more time and try for a biological child ?
The answer is a simple NO. If you would still like to have a biological child, there is nothing stopping you. The adopted one will be your eldest child, and if you conceive, you will give birth to your second one. The earlier you adopt the better the parenting you will be able to give them – and the more you will be able to enjoy the parenting process. Also keep in mind that the older you are, the lower you will be in priority to get a child from an adoptive agency. There is no fear that you will not love your adopted child if later you give birth to one. The adopted child has firmly and permanently become yours, and the bond will never break.


If you still have doubts, talk them out. Talk to trained social workers who have been observing and monitoring adoptive families, and also speak to parents who have been through the process before you. But finally the decision is yours, and it should be taken wholeheartedly by both husband and wife. And the earlier you take the decision, the more you will enjoy parenthood.

Good Luck !

A squirrel was repeatedly climbing on to the tree branch, and jumping out of the nest, only to fall flat on the ground each time. A bird couple was sitting near the nest and watching. Finally one said to the other “dear, I think it is time we have to tell her that she is adopted.”

Dr. Ali Khwaja is Secretary, ACA-K, an adoptive parent, and one who loves children from 1 to 100 years age. He is open to interacting with anyone if he can be of help.

He can be reached at:
Banjara Academy, 1st Main, 1st Block, RT Nagar, Bangalore - 560032
Phones: +91-80-23535787
              +91-80-23535766