CSA WORKSHOP AT PUNE (NOVEMBER 12th - 13th, 2005)
The following is a mention of important points which could be the basis for remembering what was covered, for further reading and for triggering fresh thoughts:
Bharati Das Gupta, CSA :
Bharati spoke about how the CSA initiative started about 3 years back with Adoption as one of the first initiative. Though it all started with the idea of promotion of adoption, it evolved into giving information, through website and by conducting workshops such as this one. Finally the aim is to get the adoption community together.
Nishita Shah, VCA :
She was happy to share that they started in 1981 and they are in their silver jubilee year. As per her, the work they do is a model for others in India to follow.
V.D.Marathe, Jt Commissioner Dept of Women & Child Development :
Inaugurating the function Mr. Marathe lauded the effort being made by CSA and VCA. He promised full support in promoting the adoption cause.
Vipul Jain, CEO Kale Consultants :
He said: ‘…Let us share and articulate a big dream. A dream that every child has a family.
Every year only about 5000 adoptions are happening out of which half of them are international adoptions. While in the institutions there are more than a million children.
Look abroad and there are no institutions. Adoption or foster care. No institutions.
Hence the dream. The task ahead is enormous. We at Kale, have the energy and the enthusiasm and we are ready to work with the stakeholders. While making the dream happen little steps like this workshop do matter…'
Nilima Mehta :
She stressed the need for pre-adoption counseling for emotional readiness.
In the case of infertility, it starts with a sense of denial (not me). Then shock (oh, me). Then self-pity (poor me). Then acceptance (its ok, its me).
Under post adoption she spoke about shared fate wherein all those involved (the child, the birthgivers and the aparents) all experience trauma, loss and grief.
She reminded that the chosen child syndrome is not to be emphasized since it could be a burden on the child.
When it comes to sharing the adoption story with the child there are two schools of thought. The early sharing thought and the late sharing thought (cognitive knowledge first and only then experience adoption).
It is normal human behaviour to attribute anything to something out there, to shift the focus to something outside. While disciplining the child, the possible human behaviour is to attribute everything to adoption. Our inability to solve the problem is the problem. This is where support groups of adoptive families play a very important role.
While talking of search, there has to be a balance between the child’s right to information and the birthgiver’s right to confidentiality.
The child will exhibit ambivalent attachment also termed as psychic homelessness. Having not one, but two mothers but feeling I have none. Where do I belong. I am grateful to the parents for taking care of me.
The key is communication and compassion. All problems can be resolved.
Shoba Srinath, NIMHANS :
Competence despite adversity defines resilience. In the development of resilience, there are 3 factors. Attributes of children themselves, aspects of families and characterisitics of wider social environment.
Stress in children could be due to Personal (injury, illness, separation, trauma…), Family (parental illness, family discord…), Social (disasters, stigma, migration…) and School related. The stress levels are higher for adopted children.
Issues for aparents include :
- Difficulties in discussing infertility. There is a need for inputs before and after taking in a child. The couple must be at
peace with this discussion.
- Acknowledge that the child had an existence before coming into the family.
- Process of telling or living a lie. This is an area where parents support groups play a critical role.
- Inevitability of the pain. Cannot understand the pain. Cannot wipe away the pain. We all carry pain.
Adjustments Behavioural / Emotional. The expectation is a healthy child but reality can surface only after a few years.
Problems could be Emotional (fear, phobia, depression…), Behavioural (overactivity, aggression, lying, stealing…),
vegetative (eating, sleeping disorders…).
What is required in parents: care, love, discipline (children like to have limits), quality time, communication, enhancing self-esteem, time for parental needs (individuation is not possible if parents build their lives around their child).
Rani Raote :
- All of us got raised in an imperfect world. There is always some degree of wound.
- We do something and later regret. I promise that I will not do it again.
- There is an inner child in all of us that holds all the emotions. Parent the inner child and that is whole parenting.
- Early experiences deeply and profoundly affect our behaviour as adults.
- Attunement: Parents can acknowledge and enhance the sense of happiness when a child is happy. Parents can
reduce the pain, hurt when the child is distressed. Parents can locate mismatch and repair when there is
misattunement.
- All of us have different parts. The Adult part, the Free child, the Hurt child, the Nurturing parent and the Critical
parent.
- She explained how a normal distribution is of these parts. In case we are not mature and we are hurt, the inner child
needs to be addressed before the external child. Awareness is the key.
- Further details can be had from the book Becoming a whole parent by Debra Wesselmann.
Dipika Mahraj Singh :
- In the children’s search for roots, in some way the journey backward is only to move forward.
- Children search for curiousity, to seek the truth, to understand, to reassure positive feelings to birthgivers.
- Search is not a competition between birthgivers and aparents. It is not a threat. It is not a tug of war between
birthgivers and aparents with the child being pulled and torn into bits.
- In fact the relationship with aparents strengthens due to the search.
- Like the ghost, confront it and it is gone.
Shankar.S :
- Being a parent is more important than becoming a parent.
- Adoption built families need to engage in the life long process of building a sense of vested rightfulness between
parents and children. Entitlement is the idea that the child belongs to the aparents unconditionally and even
exclusively.
- The joys of parenthood can be experienced as fully as biological parents provided aparents have developed this
sense of entitlement.
- Poor sense of entitlement is at the root of many problems in aparenting such as poor communication, inconsistent
discipline, over permissiveness, over protectiveness, obsessive fear of the birth family.
- Entitlement is a multi-step process involving recognizing & dealing with feelings about involuntarily childlessness,
recognizing & accepting that aparenting is different, learning to handle reflection of the societal view of adoption.
- Adoptive relationship is like a joint trust account with possible deposits and withdrawals. Only what can be measured
can be improved upon. How to scientifically measure adoptive relationship was discussed.
